Thursday, October 30, 2014


I feel unworthy of your hugs and doorstep. I'm especially not worthy of your kisses. When I think of kissing you I smile, then panic. If that were to ever happen you'd get so close to me you'd see the scars hidden on my lips. And you'd see how easy they were placed there and how quickly they made their bloody mark. You'd take one look and run like you've never ran before. And if you didn't run, you would roll your eyes and heave a deathly sigh. I can't decide which one would hurt more, but i do know that it wouldn't be my lips you'd scar. It'd be deep inside my chest, past the jagged rib cage, and through the black whole that's formed there. If you didn't get cut by the ribs as you reached your hand through that black hole, you would be repulsed by what you found. That pumping sensation wouldn't feel the way you thought it would. It's not warm and beautiful, it's cold and damaged. Shredded and torn hanging on by thin veins of hope wrapping around it. When humans see something bone rattling they can't look at it any other way. That image is engraved on their brain like some new way of tattooing. It's not like you can pretend you never saw it like you do when you see someone picking their nose in the car next to you, it's not going to disappear from your memory with the snap of your fingers. 

The image of my soul is bone rattling. The image of my soul is every ugly word you can think of, and yet it's every beautiful word you can think of. But we always focus on the ugly parts, the parts that are so horrifying they tell you to look away but you just can't. And why? Why do we let the bad outweigh the good? Shouldn't we look at that dessert and see the flowers that bloom and the plants that thrive off of it? Not the cracked surface or the evil tricks it plays with our sight. Those flowers are there for a reason, they're growing strong for our eyes. 

I've already shackled myself to the chains of those shadows. I am stuck in limbo, scratching my regrets over and over on the walls around me with my bleeding fingernails. Soon enough they will turn into scars. Everything for me turns into scars. And I'm foolish for hiding, for thinking it will all disappear. I need to step out in the open, let the targets land on me because you can't hurt someone with black holes for a heart. I'll take the bullet to the head, let my jagged ribs become thorns from a wilting flower.  I'll do whatever I have to so you never engrave that image of me in your brain. I don't want your eyes of horror and pity morphed into one. I won't let them scan me up and down, only seeing a cracked surface and bleeding lips. I think of you and bite my lip, I can't let you be a martyr from the wars inside my chest, even though every part of me considers is honorable to die trying. No, that's my destiny. But what if I'm terrified? 
My wrinkled heart can't handle strong hands. So let me breakdown. Allow me to collapse into my black holes. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Honey Jars - Bryan John Appleby

You fill me with vexation to the point of giving up.
But something foolish always pulls me back.
the drug you can never escape 
no matter what rehab you go to.
And for me, it's hold is tighter with you.
Some nights I am thankful, 
but other nights are too dark to see the gratitude.

"It's as if all my senses fed involuntarily on him 
and deprived for more than a few hours,
 I languish, 
 die to the world."

I sit and wonder what it would be like to be her,
to have your fingers intertwined with mine
like old friends finally catching up.
To look up at you and see that I'm not a nobody,
I'm a somebody, 
a somebody that matter to you.
To be the girl that has you running to catch up with in the halls, 
to see your bobbing head above the crowd turn around and smile. 
Making me melt into a puddle.

Maybe then I would know how soft the clouds are on number 9.
And what it's like to feel shooting stars collide,
maybe then I would be able to have a real reason
for those swarming butterflies.

But I'm not her.
My hand remains lost in a wandering crowd.
And no matter how many times I hear chasing footsteps they wont be for me.
So I remain the frozen icicle locked inside a tightening rib cage,
making it impossible to function the right way.
My faucet leaks
along with a chorus that sings without me.

She said that maybe I am in an impossible phase,
I guess that's true.

Monday, September 15, 2014

eternally internal

I want to capture moments in time I could never recreate, 
 like when my Finnosaurus Rex fell asleep to the beat of my heart.
And the moment dad hugged me tighter and tighter with every drop that escaped from it"s cage.
Or when Talley let out a snort in front of everyone
and couldn't control it from happening again.
And when grandma used to remember me 
and tell me I was what she pictured her Jenny to be like.
How grandpa shared a part of his life with me in that tiny closet space.
Or the time I sat on that waterfall with it's rushing waters and that silly ginger,
I wish I could capture the times in front of that couch grasping the pillow tightly
 awaiting my charging brother
 as he readied himself for the tackle.
And when I made a six footer crinkle his nose and squint his eyes as he genuinely laughed,
making that noise unbearably beautiful.

I wish I could capture these in a jar and keep them on my night stand to help remember
and drown out the days it appears all I ever do is mess up.
And help me cope when I'm feeling the strings of my guitar Saturday night 
instead of the rhythm pulsing in my veins and
the beat pushing it's way into the crevasse of  my chest
making me feel more alive than I ever have. 

It's not my year
not this time.

So I keep these memories ever so closely to me 
as I fall into unconsciousness for the night.

record head <<< >>> Gorgeous Little Things

Thursday, September 11, 2014

breath in the wildfires

The teacher asks if anyone is finished yet
and the noise from the other side of the room gets louder. 
Thunder crackling. 

The boy with curly hair draws disturbing figures. 
The known jock flashes his pearls to those that dare risk a life of wanting.
While the dumb blonde acts like she's lost her brain again 
because that's what gets the people laughing. 

All  eyes on phones. 
Glued to the bright light that mesmerizes us with it's media.
Everyone thinking they have the highest rank of cool from all their likes.

But in the corner no one looks at,
 a girl stares 
knowing the truth to it all.

Celestial Fire Night Skyscape Original Art por MarinaPetroFineArt

Her brain hurts from all the numbers
but no one cares to help.
So the headache slams on. 

All she can do is breathe,
because teenagers are eye rollingly dramatic
and every boy is a boy.
Breathe because the jerseys are just gray...
and she just wants the stars to line up.

And breath because Addison's music taste is unbelievably on point.

she's mad but she's magic. there is no lie in her fire... C.B.

She told me I only have a year left to figure myself out
but all I have is a water balloon for that wildfire
and all the firemen are out to lunch.

This roller coaster would make you throw up within 5 seconds.
Challenge not accepted.

Finally the bell rings. 
Rushing to chew with their mouths open, 
everyone walks past the girl in the corner.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

everything is going to be okay

She's eighteen with a love life as messy as her hair. But her lips taste like sunshine. Some think they know her, but really no one truly know her. Not yet, at least. And she knows that. That's why she wears a clever little smirk on her lips. When she's frustrated, she throws on her comfiest clothes and dances about her empty house singing at the top of her lungs. When it rains, she lays on the cement and lets the little droplets of water spill across her body like getting thousands of kisses from the heavens. When she hurts, she runs to her car and drives to a quiet place. When she's happy, she lets tears escape. Mostly from laughing too hard but also because she's been stuck in the land of emptiness for too long. When she traces her lips, she's thinking of past kisses. To her, hot chocolate taste like happiness even though it makes her tummy hurt and fanny packs are what make the world go round and round. One day, she'll be forced to leave the man made bubble she formed. But don't worry, she'll be clinging to Jeff the Giraffe the entire time. She's cursed herself with the never-shutting-up spell. She thinks people are beautiful in their imperfections and awkward interactions. She wants to kiss someone beneath flurries of snowflakes drifting from above on a perfect winter night, and dance with someone while the heavens soak them with their crying clouds. She wears over sized sweaters because they make her happy. 

She's everything you'd never wish to 

Monday, September 1, 2014

yes, i am that girl

The girl that finds beauty in the imperfections of human interactions, who would rather watch people from far away instead of up close and personal. Because there is beauty in the way someone runs their fingers through their hair when it falls in their face, and when someone is so incredibly focused on the paper they are writing a crease forms between their eyebrows. I am the girl that falls a little bit more in love with people who don't think anyone is watching them, and I catch them in their little small moments of beauty. Like licking their thumb to turn the next page in a book or when they gets so deeply lost in the music their heart begins to beat to the same rhythm and their face shows it only for a split second. And when a strand of hair gets twirled between fingers, or someone scratches at a phantom itch on their arm. Those moments when a smile tickles the edge of lips as they remember unforgettable moments. I am the girl that can't get enough of these moments people unknowingly share.

I am that girl that you want to shush in the theater that she cries too hard because she relates her feelings so strongly to those in the film. And who isn't fond of those that are glued to their screens more than the exciting story their friend is telling them.
I am the girl that cant stand unpainted fingernails, a middle finger missing it's pearl ring, straight hair that just sits there, and when a moment passes and a Polaroid is not in hand.
The girl that gives her heart too quickly to music and those around her because she wants them to feel what she feels.
I am that girl that prefers hot coco and over sized sweaters over tight exercise clothes. And who sits in her car and listens to music while her heart leaks from her eyes.

I am the dramatic girl you roll your eyes at.
The foolish girl you say "I told you so" to.
The curious girl you wonder what she thinks about.
And that ...interesting... girl you ask where in the world she came from.
I am that girl people say is explosive.

I am this girl and I couldn't be happier to be.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

i guess she built her house on the sand

She was on the trail again matching the beat of her heart with the rhythm of her legs. Too many thoughts stuck where she started, she didn't want to turn around and face them. So she kept moving; letting the drops of sweat slide their way down her forehead as Evening Acoustic playlist whispering in her ear making it possible to push forward. She turned the volume up every time those deadly thoughts crept their way back in. Her legs screamed, illustrating how she felt on the inside. Her worn legs gave out on her, too weak to continue. Stumbling on the hard cement she thought how often she has felt this way. This feeling has become apart of her.

She is determined to get up and walk forward.
But it's taking every last bit of effort to not turn her head and look back to all the happy things that made up this past summer.
Maybe soon she will be able to turn around and smile or even laugh at the memories created.

But for right now she feels used and just another number so she learns how to make people believe she is smiling, plays sad songs on her guitar, and how to get out of bed. Soon they will be happy songs and none of that will be a struggle.

She is just too foolish
too foolish with her heart.
Why is it she never learns?
There isn't going to be anything left to give if she keeps this up.


When will she do something right for once?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

the taste of shooting stars

Sometimes I remember the way his lips tasted like shooting stars, and it makes me smile. And for a moment, the rainy wetness outside is replaced by the memory of that warm summer night. Other times, I remember the way he looked at me as he held his guitar tight while his fingers danced across the strings. And for a moment, I forget that I'm sitting alone watching Netflix on a Tuesday night, 201 miles away. 
Sometimes I just want to set myself free.
But I can't because I don't even have wings
and geographically it's wont work,
money wise it's incredibly impossible,
and age wise it's impossible
it's all impossible.
So I need to stop thinking about it
because it's impossible.

Did I say it"s impossible?
Because I need a reminder of that every 5 minutes or else I get dreaming again.
It wont work.
It was never going to work.

So with my headphones plugged in, I run out beneath the moon bare footed with an aching heart as the heavens share the same emotions with the earth. 

I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this blog anymore.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

hello old friend

The rain tapped against her bedroom window like an old friend wanting to get in. And as she rolled over pulling the covers all the way up to her chin, she smiled; her mind raced with flashes of moments in life that are intertwined closely to her heart. Like when she ran to the pond and jumped in fully clothed with her best friend, or when she went on a romantic tandem bike ride with a very classy lady. 
And that time when her brother skyped home and after the greetings he paused and uttered the words "hayes tell me everything", and when she risked her life climbing a beautifully painted rock with someone in love with star wars a little too much. Or when a funny boy asked her to spend the day with him (little did she know it was his birthday), and the time she came downstairs Valentine's day morning to find a big stuffed animal giraffe on the kitchen table waiting for her.
 And especially the moment she leaned over and asked to borrow some paper out of a male's notebook and he replied "only if you write your number inside, that can only make it a fair trade". Or the time her dream came true and she saw the real UP house, and when she finally overcame her fear of singing in front of people and he told her she would be the next Ingrid Michelson. When her best friend told her "I still love you hayles" when all she ever does is mess up.

Life isn't something you "survive" from one big event to the next, it's something you enjoy moment by moment and it is the most beautiful when you take it one little adventure at a time. Her life was absolutely beautiful.

i really want to make cds and swap them with friends.
can we start that again 

Monday, August 18, 2014

one heck of a summer

Someone walks past me
that once familiar scent kisses my nose.
My heart starts fluttering 
as I slowly raise my head 
for a split second I start thinking
my mind races with possibilities 
he came back 
he came back 
he came....
It wasn't him 
somebody else.
How lucky they are 
to carry that sent around with them. 

Goodbye Summer.
My wall has grown ever so slightly with fondest pictures from you.  
If only we could live in Harry Potter's time with moving pictures. 
That would be dreamy  

Monday, August 11, 2014

No, you would not be. DUH

12:21 am

"One time I shaved my arm pits for a girl I met online from Florida" 

12:21 am
21 minutes
1260 seconds

"Goodnight Hayley Whaley...uh how about I just call you Hay Bae? Doesn't sound like a fat joke" 

12:21 am
21 minutes
1260 seconds
2100+ heartbeats 

"So you haven't had a real kiss yet?"

I really like listening to your sleepy voice 
and snapchatting 
more than texting. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Stepping out of line

We sang my favorite song together. 
And then wrote our own.  
About how we met. 
My heart wouldn't stop pounding in my ears the whole time.  
I didn't know it could be so easy. 
So easy to laugh with you
To sit so close to you
And yet my words get jumbled up when I look you in the eyes. 

I just want to be a broken record 
And get stuck here for a while longer.

That's a one in a million shot I know,  
My fingures are tightly crossed. 

Saturday, July 5, 2014


I feel like I'm sitting in satan's oven. 
How does boating fry you so stinken fast?! 
How does time fly by so stinken fast?!

That's the real question. 
How come when everything begins to feel better and almost one piece again it has to break? 

I'm such a drama queen. It's just two freaken years. 
Suck it up, 
rub some dirt in it. 

I guess you could say this sunburn is showing what my heart really feels like. Because I don't want any one else to leave. 
We are done with the goodbyes, 
no one can go anywhere anymore. 
 And because it hurts every time I move, and gets stuck to things forcing me to peel it off slowly as it stings like heck! 

I wanted to say HE-double hocky sticks but didn't.  

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Oh how I envy hermits

They tell us we have to decide 
we have to know what we want
what we want our lives to look like. 

But what's wrong with not knowing?
Why can't we be unsure of anything as little as what we want to do tomorrow
Every time I think I know, I get that surety, and I feel the ground beneath me becoming stable again 

it breaks

leaving me dangling. 

And I find myself clawing at the cliff I dangle off of, trying to get a grasp of something. Anything. 

While others laugh, judge, even tease us in our struggle. 
Because they know what they want,
they have the perfect plan. 

Oh how I envy hermits. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Already having Emma withdrawals

That sassy ghost though
Tricking Emma into getting off on the wrong floor 3 times
Being hipsters in antique shops
Sassy ghost 2
Jam CDs all day errrryday
So close to falling alseep on the grass then people waking us up. Every. Single. Time. 
Emma's short attention span on songs 
Free time=shaved ice time
Dream catcher swings  
Awkward dance with only 20 people 
Emma's graceful roll into the pool from the hottub 
Drew's haircut and witty lines 
Breaking the law in so many ways
"Let's go to the gym, we still have time to go to the gym, okay now let's go to the gym!" 
One lonely white sock
Emma's race car driving skills
Watching Friends before falling asleep every night 
Frustrations with 13 year old boys and making videos 
Emma falling down in the elevator
The voice brother Robinson screams hello in...ahhh
Sleep talking/moaning 
Washing machines named Alex 
Waking up and realizing you are super close together...
Nate's face when he wants us to sing louder
Emma being the last person to get ready for bed every night 
Just fix your hair Marisa! 
Emma's humming is also my grandma's humming 
Fearing for my life on a mountain tandem bike 
Why don't they start a Crêpery here? PLEASE
Emma's testimony 

Our try at doing the sassy ghost splits
Please look at this rainbow picture again and note the bliss in Emma's face! 

So I met this girl. She's pretty incredible, the type of person you look at and think "that is who I want to be when I grow up". And her laugh is most likely what makes the world go round. If you haven't met her, she's the girl named Emma that lives off of adventuring, little plants, and things that you don't think go together do. Without her this week I would have exploded. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

It's a number game

Ya I don't know 
They're just suppose to be numbers right? 


But they fade away 
Leaving me with no idea 
Only eyes watching closely
Seeing what I will do 
Calling me out on it to someone else 
So I have no clue. 
Forgive me now for what's to come


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Forgiving someone can be the hardest thing you do, but it's also the best thing you can do. And I know that's so much harder to do than say and it's different for every situation. But really, in the big picture is it worth it to hold a grudge or be unhappy for so long when you could be happy? 

We just need to take a step back and realize what's really important

Thursday, May 22, 2014

All about us by Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran

I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time 

I know I say that a lot but really, it's been so crazy lately 

It felt good to genuinely laugh until it hurt 

It really is time for summer. I'm ready for the adventure Thursdays with Emma 

And being hooligans in the middle of the night with a wooden ladder

No but seriously that car ride was my absolute favorite 

Now I have to actually study for my accuplacer which I have been avoiding because sssstttttrrrrreeeeeesssssss

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Just act like everything is okay they tell me

I always thought that my heart was at stake, so I wrapped it in chains and locked it up. But then something happened and the chains disappeared. And that's when I realized I needed to back away. I had to, because in two months I would find my heart alone. So I cut the strings of our hearts myself so that you could grow yours back faster. Even though mine still feel the sharpness of the scissor's blades. 

His friend told me I did the right thing. And actually thanked me for doing it. So I guess it really needed to be done. But why does that seem to make it worse? I must have been a really terrible person if he thanked me afterwards.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Junior year at it's finest

came home with no one there except my Thai sisters. They had no idea why I had tears streaming but they sat close to me and comforted me saying it's okay over and over. I don't ever want them to leave. 

I should really be more normal for them or else they will go back home thinking all Americans are crazy like me

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Where did all my blogger friends go...?

\\I have the hardest and bestest job 
\\its kind of beautiful how opinionated humans are
\\Awkward bangs...ajdbfkd
\\Parachute crew
\\Bad Lip Readings
\\Spilling containers of water all over the floor at work 
\\My heart still aches when I think about Spider-Man 2 
\\how soon can we get TFIOS midnight tickets??
\\ like seriously where do I get tickets?
\\laughs that could put babies to sleep (not really but you know what I mean) 
\\Can't we rewind to choir tour? California was too beautiful 
\\i am really in love with the conversations I have with my friends late at night. And fitting three people on a twin bed 
\\life without social media (except for blogging) would be rad 
\\lets stop asking questions, especially that question. Because I have no answer

I'm having a hard time understanding why time can't slow down? I get people are hating right now. But soon summer comes, then big decisions, next stop LIFE. 

Deep breathes. 2 weeks and no more tests

Monday, May 5, 2014

"Lets just write our feelings down and then burn them yeah?"

"How about the high school instead? 
BC Calculous?
The world!!!"

"You just gotta sell it!" 
-my new logic to taking test. 

How come end of junior year has to be so UNbelivably crazy? Lets be done with testing already

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Drifting into unconsciousness

There is a lot jammed in my head. I'm feeling more and more pressure building up and I just want to stay under my covers in my sweet scented bed

The feather filled comforters
The chilled side of my pillow refreshing my skin
Hugging the soft pillow tight between my arms and the feeling of safety. 
Letting the weight of my eye lids finally overpower my will. 
As I bury myself deeper and deeper into my blankets I can hear whispers of reassurance as I let myself go and relax my achy muscles.  

Now you can see why I have so many tardies to my first periods

-->I went to an Ingrid Matheson concert and it was truly incredible. Those kind of concerts just touch my soul in the deepest way. All I want to do is run up to Ingrid and thank her. But even then I wouldn't be able to completely express my feelings.   

-->Emma wrote me a letter from Disneyland that was deeper than the ocean floor. I don't think anyone, let alone Emma, knows how much knowing her has changed my happiness

Friday, April 18, 2014

In love with our conversations

•why are skeleton hands so hard to draw?
•my feet are permanently damaged from all the running around I do at work 
•"I respect that"
•sophomore girls are hilarious and über boy crazy x10
•Ah I can't go a day without embarrassing myself!! 
•I'm realizing when it comes to human interaction with strangers it requires a butt load of patience  
•my bottom lip is shredded because of all this dumb stress 
•the Thai girls are considering baptism and I'm peeing my pants 
•I have a lot I really need to get over 
•Music heals my soul, no joke 
•keeping my room clean is like eating 4 scoups of Nutella without a drink of milk. 
•I've become that student you don't know if they will graduate because they like their bed more than school 
•honestly, I'm going to have the most attractive prom date. Just being honest
•Is it weird I crave clone wars almost as much as blue fingernails? 
•Slap me every time it complain okay? It's such an ugly habit 
•dear aquarium, fill your tanks already!!!
•shoot!! Someone slap me
•Jedi braids for lifeeee
•getting CDs from friends brings joy to my heart I almost have a heart attack 
•oh did I mention ONE WEEK TIL PROM

Sunday, April 13, 2014


It seems to me there's a wilting flower in everyone that is hurting. It wants to be plucked so we can move on and see life as it really is. But nobody can figure out exactly how to do that. 

Because there is still a deep hope it will get healthy and live on

So we put a fake flower in front of it to hide the pedals already lost. And we pretend everything is okay. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Live más

Every time I wear this I can only think of the Devine Disneyland couple behind us in line. 


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Now get hungry

When it comes out of your mouth it doesn't really always make sense so I just roll with it 

-my lovely father

I'm learning a lot about my dearest father on this trip. Like how when we hear about a really spectacular new book we travel to 6 Barnes and Nobles along the way to find it. 
And when we find this precious new book he pretends to go to the bathroom but really sit in the tub and read it so he can read it first.

Also he is very easily tricked into getting off at the wrong level in an elevator 

I always laugh the hardest when I'm with my dad

Monday, April 7, 2014

Fingernail polish

A boy asked a girl in a Star Wars shirt what her life was like. 

She told him "it's like my fingernails". 

Questioning her answer he said "what a strange answer"

She replied "what a strange question"

Curiosity itching at him he asked her to further explain the answer she gave but 
she simply told him to try to himself. So as they sat waiting for their planes to start boarding he guessed a list,
-chipping away or unfinished? 
-messy as heck (he didn't say heck) 

Before she could say anything they announced boarding had started and she began to walk over. The boy was beginning to get frustrated and rushed after her. 

"Wait you can't just leave without telling me what you meant" 
Shrugging her shoulders she said "it's a mystery I guess" 

Sunday, April 6, 2014


Oh Theo. 

Let's run away and kick people's butts together. 

I could punch a wall and you could let me wear your sweater and bandage my knuckles

Sound like a plan? 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

pity party for one please

>That was just really strange. I don't know if I liked it or not? 
>I just want to drown in sleep
>I missed my parents like none other they are okay with crying 
>David always writes me letters that make me question my entire life 
>I never want these Thai girls to leave 
>going to see divergent with Ariel is what's getting me through this week. 
>and spring break with my dad. 
>I followed this guy around for half and hour in Walmart looking for a calendar. All I want is a calendar for my room but Walmart doesn't have any 
>my feels are all over the place I don't know what to do 
>why does everyone love this one person? Like seriously there are billions of people all around us. Why only this person?! 
>it's okay tho, Emma's laugh makes everything better 
>and my dad's soothing voice. 
>also Ariel's hugs. Like no joke I'm dying to get one when we see this movie. 

Maybe I just need to throw up to get all these feels and sickness out of me. Cause when you ask "hey what's up? Something's up" I verbally can't explain it. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

....lets look inside my brain....

Mission call 
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call 
Mission call this 
Mission call
Mission call is 
Mission call 
Mission call all 
Mission call
Mission call I 
Mission call 
Mission call can
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call think
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call today 
Mission call 
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call 
Mission call
Mission call
Mission call

{double post cause I can't help it}

The one day I wear shorts it rains...

She tries to be careful of what she says but her blue eyes crave crazy. 
Her relationship with giraffes is a strange one. 
She sleeps in a blue sweatshirt when nights get incredibly rough. 
Her friend down the road is in love with so many and they all love her back. 
Her friend up the road has the yearning to leave that tends to seeps into her own heart. 
She sucks badly at making choices even though they are already secretly decided. 
Her mother lets her snuggle up with her when father is gone and her tummy hurts. 
She wishes she could write as eloquently and beautifully as her friend up the high road. 
She falls too quickly and is thought less of for that sometimes. 
Her heart beats as fast as the raindrops. 
She shakes with nerves for tonight and where he will be called. 

And sometimes, probably too many times, she gets caught up in awe at the wonderful people that surround her.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Aw man

I want to go paint balling so deeply but I'm terrified i won't be able to handle the pain

I want to play coed soccer with someone but I'm terrified everyone will take it seriously and I'm not any good

I don't want people to ask me about my ACT score cause yes I already know I'm stupid and yes the test proves that. 

And I reeeeaaallllyyy don't want to talk to my dentist about my jaw because I know it will only mean bad stuff 

Yes I know these are all personal problems. 


Friday, March 21, 2014

Warm fuzzies inside

Socks that keep my toes warm 

Instant of frozen time

Simply feelings 

And experiencing 

Freaking out in the car

Realizing you can be seen through the windows

Driving away to a beautifully mixed CD by Riley

Monday, March 17, 2014

What a goober

I asked my brother to write to me like he was writing in his journaling or to write a  list. This is what came back:

Yo yo word

Things to update you on my life:
1. I can't pretend that this is my journal, I'm bad at keeping a journal as it is.
2. Things are really really great here in Thailand
3. We are moving apartments in this city, which will be alot of fun.
4. I'm super glad Porter and Jake are still working at the TW. I miss them a ton!
5. I'm super excited for those Thai girls to come to the house, so you and Dad and Mom can practice your Thai and speak with me when I get back:)
6. I'm running out of things to type.
7. Mothers here keep trying to convince me to marry their daughters. It happens on a daily basis. Guess my firey hair gets all the ladies....or their moms...
8. I'm out

Elder Tanner

Thursday, March 13, 2014

HA yeah....

Well I asked that attractive boy to go to a concert with me Saturday and he said he's going to Idaho Saturday. 


What does Idaho have that I don't?!



how could you resist that mixture? 

Jk. If only I had that much confidence...more like now I'm gonna buy some ice cream and down it tonight. 

And dread going to work cause now it's totes awk. 

Two claps for Hayley's failure. 

Should have just asked for a cd....

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

mi cabeza te duele

I've been finding really sick music lately and I wanna burn CDs to spread the love of music. 

Who wants one? 

P.S. I've got and SOS: how do you ask a really attractive person with amazing taste in music to burn you a CD?!

Monday, March 10, 2014

I went to go visit a family of a close friend of mine. And that was probably one of the hardest things I've done. I really don't understand why, maybe it's because it brought so many memories and feelings back or reminded me that my heart use to be filled to the brim, even overflowing with happiness back when we would be hooligans together. Whatever the case i miss him so dearly, but not in the "ooo la la! You miss your missionary!" Romantic sort of way. More like in the "I miss my best friend" sort of way. Cause that's what he was. He was my best friend, he would call me in the middle of the night because he could tell I had been struggling. He was the best friend that would text me late at night and see if I wanted to go for a midnight stroll to help get things off my mind. Sure you could see that all romantically, heck I even did sometimes. But what it all comes down to is that he was my bestest friend and I miss him so much. So much that sometimes I trap myself in my room and read his letters over and over. 
I wish so badly sometimes I could push rewind on life and go back to the summer day we made glass flowers at his work, or when I was inside a garbage can and he was pushing me down the halls and turned to sharp making the garbage can with me inside spill onto the floor and all those nights we jammed in his basement with our guitar and lele. Or to our last day together, when we went on a hike to a waterfall and I tried so hard to hide my tears as we said goodbye to each other. 
He said "This will only make us stronger" 

This will only make us stronger

Friday, March 7, 2014

mi papa

is a true inspiration. 

A girl suffering from depression and dramatic anxiety issues texts my dad or calls him almost everyday  
e v e r y d a y 

And everyday my dad answers with a cheerful voice reassuring her that she can get through anything. No matter what he is doing he takes time to answer her calls and crazy texts to help her 
e v e r y d a y

When I asked him why he always answers, and how he never gets annoyed or impatient with the needs of this girl, all he said was "she just needs someone to help guide her back to the light more than the average person does" 

My father is my hero. 

He is someone i can count on. 
Someone who will let me talk his ear off about my social life and the issues I face. 
Someone who always has an answer. 
He's the friend that will hang out with me on a Friday night when all my other friends can't. 

I don't know how I would be able to make it through this capital world without him 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


I learned how measurements work with tuxes. 
I learned that Porter is way to easy to pull pranks on when it gets slow
I learned that it gets slow a lot 
I learned that Brent never actually planned on training me (THANK YOU PORTER) 
I especially learned that when using a carving instrument it is most wise to carve away from your fingers
And I learned my brother was an inspiration to a plethora of people before he left 
I learned that there is something more severely wrong with my jaw because a normal jaw doesn't hurt like H 
Today I learned that it's okay to be bold and ask someone to go to a concert with you
I learned playing games with certain people on the road prolly isn't the smartest 
And that it doesn't have to be awkward when you pull up next to someone you know at a red light 
I also learned that Buzz has really funny facial expressions 
Today I learned my boss loves buying us dinner more than life itself 
I even learned that I love yoga and miss it 

And tonight I'm learning that there is such a thing as Junioritis: the want for junior year to be over and easy senior year to start 

Also that sleep is pure bliss and I suck at going to bed early 

Monday, March 3, 2014


||Really dying to watch both parts of the last Harry Potter. But I don't have the second part :'( #HPOD
||What even is school? 
||Or the ACT?
||....or life? 
||Jeff the giraffe won't stop cuddling with me, like omg someone needs a hobby lol
||Cool Runnings looks so goooooood
||Wii Wipeout makes me laugh harder than ever
||I absolutly hate goodbyes. Even for just two years
||How do guy's sweatshirts smell so exquisite?
||cuz all I could get out was "be safe...Taiwan is super lucky...*tightest hug*...okay man, bye..." 
||All I ever want to do now is sleep, eat, socialize, and watch movies with you
||Curious to why my grades are slipping...
||People really gotta move on from the robotic squirrel. Like seriously
||Always have my hair in a ponytail because I don't actually wake up when I get out of bed
||Everyone says they'll cry if they get like 19 but I'm surprised if I even get 12...
||Salt Lake City Community College here I come!!! 
||This girl said she was gonna send me a letter but hasnt...kind of really wanted a letter from her..
||It gives me pure bliss when my hands are filthy with dried paint