Thursday, May 2, 2013


These past weeks have been pretty much a roller coaster! And I cant decide if it was a good roller coaster or a bad one? But I do know that these past couple of weeks I have been trying to soak in the precious little moments I have in the days. From laughing my lungs out with my best friend on a drive home to almost sluffing a class but laughing it off as if we would actually have the guts to do it and then to spontaneous runs to Chick-fil-a with a great person to use coupons. That last one was a serious one! {Wanna hear how that one happened?}  I am drifting into a late afternoon nap when someone replys to a text and said,
"Haha no. You know what sounds really good right now?"
 (keep in mind I responded halfway asleep) so I said,
"Waffle fries duh!"
and was surprised to get the response of,
"Oh my gosh dude. Lets go!"
And with that he came in an hour to my door and we were off to a night full of laughter and random conversations that came with the flow of the wind. I had such a fun time! I laughed with someone {other than my best friend} harder than I had with anyone for a long time! And it felt good, so good. I want moments like those more in my life, especially this month. I don't care about remembering this month and feeling a want to go back in time, I just want to be more happy than I do sad. That is my goal.

I know my days are limited with most of my friends as summer approaches, which is something I haven't yet fully figured out how to deal with. At night when I let all those thoughts come out of the corner I shoved them in in my mind, I am usually sitting on my deck listening to music and watching the stars, the thoughts get too big for me to shove them back and without meaning to I let the pain seep out as well. I convince myself that everything will be alright, that next year there will be new people I will meet and become close with. Which is true....but none of them will ever truly be like those I know now. Every time that thought comes to my mind my throat tightens up, and the only thing I can do is wrap myself in a blanket and go out to my deck. Most of those nights I want someone to call me and hear the hurt and pain in my voice and come join me on my deck, listen to me talk and sob. But none of that happens, which just brings more salty liquid to my eyes.

 I have become a type of waterfall that turns on whenever it feels like it, as silly as that may sound I'm worried the water flow wont ever stop. And that's why I cling to the little moments I have in each day. I am finding God blesses me each day with the people I share my days with and I try to make the most out of what I have now.

The time I have with them, with you is running out way too fast for me to be okay with it. There is so much I want to say to you, so much I want to hear you say. But sadly I know if I do then I am a distraction or worse, a creepo! But to be honest the inside of me doesn't care! The inside of me just wants to tell you, tell you face to face what I really feel about you. Not over text or hidden in a text. Which terrifies me to death, I cant help but feel you would be put in very uncomfortable situation because I know what would come from you. Somehow you would tell me bug off, or hit me with the truth I try not to think about. I haven't hit that stage of being alright with you leaving yet, like I know you have to, you want to! And the realistic me knows that it's the perfect choice you have made, I might even make the same decision myself in 2 years! But the outside of me cant handle it, this waterfall is about to burst in roughly 77 days. And I can promise you it isn't going to be a pretty sight.
With time this will all heal, I know that. But in the moment now I see you in the halls and want to run up and do something drastic.

One thing that hurts the most is that all of them are ready to leave, they want to get out of high school. which is very understandable...but....what about us that are still stuck here for a little longer? Are you just going to forget us? What will happen if we go to all of your homecomings and you see me and think "oh yeah, your that one girl that followed us around. How's it going?" I will never forget them, but will they forget me just like we forget what the summer sun feels like in the winter time?

 I will say that until I really have to face reality I will enjoy the moments I am given with you and all my other wonderful friends I am blessed with that will be leaving, and let the tears come at night. I will try to soak up all the sunshine you give off and face the rainy clouds that come after.

I just wish you were going to be there to hold an umbrella over me...